Remember when you were getting ready for your first baby to arrive? Someone probably gave you the book, What to Expect When You’re Expecting by Heidi Murkoff. It’s a classic, and along with its sequel, What to Expect: The First Year was definitely helpful reference guide for all the times we new mothers asked ourselves, “is this normal?”
Twelve years later, I could really use a guide for my current stage of parenting – “What to Expect: The Middle School Years.” Just as I am starting to feel like a “seasoned” parent after so many years, I find myself faced with a plethora of new experiences and moments I feel unprepared for. I have so many questions:
What to expect when your child gets braces.
What to expect when your child starts middle school.
What to expect when your child doesn’t want to talk about their day.
What to expect when every conversation turns into a negotiation.
What to expect when your child wants a smart phone.
What to expect when your child’s social life starts changing.
And the list goes on….
The truth is, there are probably plenty of books on these topics. Beyond the baby stage, however, I personally decided to forego most parenting books, as they are often quite prescriptive, and every situation is so different. Authors may not share your worldview, or know about your unique circumstances (military life, anyone?) or your child’s unique personality traits and abilities, etc. – ultimately (for me), it can feel unhelpful and lead to massive sense of overwhelm. When my kids were little, and going through new experiences, I enjoyed comparing notes with other moms. It helped me feel less alone, and I learned a lot from hearing about others’ experiences. Now, it feels so much more vulnerable to open up about these personal issues with others. When there are so many polarizing opinions screaming at us from social media, I hesitate to bring up parenting topics these days.
“What if I’m judged for giving my child a cell phone”
“What if I’m judged for not giving my child a cell phone”
It feels a bit risky now, but I miss having these conversations with other moms, grappling with the daily questions we all face. And I don’t mean simply laughing them off through memes (although there is a place for that too!). But, rather, really working through our questions, concerns, and gut instincts. Can we get back to those mom chats? Can we ask the hard questions together? Celebrate the wins? Can I open up without worrying about what someone else will think about me? Can I listen and discuss without judgment when someone else takes a different approach than me? I know that many people I love will make different parenting decisions than me. But does that have to mean that these topics are off limits?
I think It’s worth an honest try. Perhaps, for the same reason that I put down parenting books in favor of real life, on-the-ground experience years ago, it’s time to put aside social media apps now.
I wonder if any other moms want the same thing. Can we discuss when to introduce smart phones as casually as we talked about when to introduce solid foods? Can we talk through dating guidelines as comfortably as we compared notes on nap schedules? Can we keep supporting each other when we come to completely different conclusions?
We will never find black and white answers to some of the issues confronting us as parents of preteens, but just like when our kids were babies, we have our motherly intuition, fierce love for our families, and our loved ones to lean on. Maybe we don’t need that guide book after all.
I remember a lot of constant comparison about what my kid was achieving and other kids. It’s a lot of pressure and stress. God was teaching me to just love my kiddo wherever she was at, in the low moments and the high moments. You are a great mom Julie! Between you and your husband and your good instincts, be decisive about what is important to you both, and trust that it is right for your family.