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Q: What is the best way to share your fantasies? – Anonymous
A: Sharing your fantasies with your partner can supercharge sexual energy and excitement into your relationship. However…
I would love to tell you that being completely honest and open with your fantasies is the best way to share them with your partner. Unfortunately, that’s not typically what I advise others to do. Here’s why-sexual fantasties are personal. Incredibly personal. When we share something that we identify as part of us, we make ourselves vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of vulnerability. But when it comes to sex, people tend to get weirded out. And if you are not in a safe, loving, and mutually respectful relationship, opening this part of you may not go so well.
So the first thing I would do is consider the purpose of you sharing your fantasies with them. For a lot of people, they have no desire to actually experience their fantasies in real life, whereas others would. Are you sharing your fantasies with your partner because you hope they’ll get on board and create them with you? Or is it something you feel like you should tell them about because you think that’s what couples are supposed to do (spoiler alert: it’s totally fine not to).
Next, consider how safe it is to share your fantasies. Is my partner open minded to this particular thing? Is there something from their past that could be triggering about this fantasy? Would they ever use this fantasy to embarrass or ridicule me? If you are unsure or answered yes to any of these questions, then be very wary of sharing your fantasies.
You may be thinking, if I can’t share my fantasies with my partner, then what kind of relationship am I really in? And that’s a great question. Know that you can be in a “successful” relationship (raise kids together, own a home, play tennis together, finish each other’s sentences…) and still have your own plot of real estate in your mind that doesn’t belong to your partner. They don’t have to know everything about you to be your one and only. They can, of course, if you want them to.
If you’re feeling secure in your relationship and confident in sharing this part of your sexuality with them, I recommend having the conversation when you are both able to focus on each other. Dropping the “I really want a threesome,” while your partner is scrolling Facebook after a long day of work, isn’t ideal. Create a time where both of you are present and not exhausted. And then share how you’re feeling. “I really want to share something with you, but I’m nervous (or whatever the emotion is) you will…” or if you’re feeling more confident try, “Have you ever thought about (insert fantasy)?” Questions are a great way to gauge how your partner feels about something without you directly identifying with it.
Sometimes partners will get defensive or offended about a particular fantasy. They may think that they aren’t enough or that the sex you’ve been having is no longer fulfilling. If that is not the case, tell them that. If you are feeling unfulfilled sexually, tell them that also. And be prepared for them to feel their feelings. They’re allowed to be hurt or upset. And you’re allowed to share how you feel.
Sharing your fantasies with your partner can supercharge sexual energy and excitement into your relationship. Just consider safety (mental, physical, etc…), purpose of sharing, and be prepared for some pushback or questions.
Q: During my first marriage, and after having our child, I had gained weight and noticed quickly my ex-husband was not interested in me sexually, no matter how much of me I offered. It damaged our relationship when he said he wasn’t attracted to me, but ʻstill loved meʻ?! Flash forward to my current marriage to a very UNCONDITIONAL man who has loved me through my weight changes. I fear intimacy with him in my current weight. Iʻm not happy with myself because of how my ex-husband made me feel. I donʻt know how to move on so my now husband doesn’t feel I donʻt want to. – “It’s Not You, It’s Me”
A: Oh, friend. I can hear the frustration in your words and the anguish this is causing you. Let me ask you a question-is there a point where you WILL be happy with yourself? When you see a specific number on the scale? When your ex apologizes? Another measurement? It’s easy to blame our current circumstances on forces that feel outside of us. Unfortunately, when we do this, we put our life on hold because of how other people treat us or have treated us. This causes us to miss out. Miss out on a great marriage. An incredible job opportunity. Satisfying sex. You get the picture.
We’ve been taught to believe that other people have the power to make us feel a certain way. That’s not the case. Can they influence how we feel? Of course. But ultimately, we are the ones that decide what their words mean. We are the ones that give them power. Or take ours back.
Here’s another question-do you believe you are deserving of good things? I want you to really think about your answer. Most people will give an immediate response of, “Of course, I do! Who wouldn’t want good things?” But the evidence is found in our actions. If I believed I deserve good things then why am I still letting my ex influence how I show up in my current marriage? If I really believed I was deserving of love and pleasure, then why am I not having mind-blowing sex? Those answers are the ones that will lead you to where you need healing.
I want you to know that I think you’re incredible and I don’t even know you. How can I say that? Because if we can hate others without knowing them, why can’t we love them? Why can’t we cheer them on despite not knowing who they are? But you have to be the one that believes in yourself. That decides you are tired of giving your power away. You are done with being disconnected from your spouse sexually. And that you are deserving of all the love, joy and pleasure this world has to offer.
Action steps: consider the questions above and be open to where the answers lead you. Consider what forgiving your ex looks like. Forgiveness will set YOU free, not your ex. And then decide how you want to feel in your marriage. What does real intimacy, sexual and emotional, feel like? What does that look like for you two?