We are so pleased to have Debra Whitson and her professional advice for you! For more info on her agency and services, please see the link in her bio. Thank you!
The narcissist label is commonly used these days when relationships begin to unravel. But, is your ex a true narcissist or just a run of the mill jerk?
What you may not realize is that narcissism is actually a personality disorder. According to the Cleveland Clinic, it’s pretty uncommon – up to only 5% of people have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). However, there are plenty of people who have narcissistic tendencies.
If someone you are dating or married to has them, here are signs to watch for and tips on how to manage the relationship (or end it) more peacefully.
The Nitty-Gritty on Narcissism
Most of us consider a narcissist to be a person who acts self-absorbed and vain. Yes, that’s true, but there’s much more to it. Per the Cleveland Clinic, NPD is diagnosed when a person has at least five of these characteristics:
- Overinflated sense of self-importance.
- Constant thoughts about being more successful, powerful, smart, loved or attractive than others.
- Feelings of superiority and desire to only associate with high-status people.
- Need for excessive admiration.
- Sense of entitlement.
- Willingness to take advantage of others to achieve goals.
- Lack of understanding and consideration for other people’s feelings and needs.
- Arrogant or snobby behaviors and attitudes.
What these outward actions tend to cover up is a sense of insecurity, fragile sense of worth, fear of criticism, and emptiness. While the cause of NPD isn’t known, it may result from a combination of factors such as:
- Childhood trauma
- Early relationships with parents, friends and relatives
- Genetics
- Hypersensitivity to textures, noise or light as a child
- Personality and temperament
Counseling can certainly help, but the person must have a willingness to change.
A know-how for being in a relationship with someone who may present as a narcissist
Realistically, whether your spouse, ex-spouse or soon to be ex-spouse has actually been diagnosed with NPD or they have narcissistic tendencies, you’re likely still in for more of a challenge than your typical relationship. That said, knowing what you’re in for is half the battle; these tips can help with the other half.
If you are married to someone with these tendencies, seek treatment from a therapist as a go-to. Having a third party to help with the relationship and create balance for you is key. The hard part may be convincing your partner to seek treatment, so mediation is a great resource as well (see below).
If you are considering a break-up with this person here are some other reminders:
- Keep copies of everything. It’s never a good idea to get into a he said/she said situation, especially with a narcissist. Documenting everything, especially expenditures, will help you easily discredit their lies.
- Avoid falling into their traps. They WILL bait you, but keep your cool and keep your communication to a minimum. Avoid communicating with them directly at all if possible and especially via email, text, or voicemail that could potentially be edited or misconstrued out of context.
- Enlist a strong support group. Your partner will likely drag the divorce on and on to punish you. Make sure to surround yourself with friends and family who can ground and support you. It may also be a good idea to seek help from a mental health professional to help you cope in a healthy way.
- Keep your eye on the end-game. The goal is to be out of this unhealthy relationship! It will be hard. It will be frustrating. But it will be so worth it in the end for your sake, and if you have children, for theirs, too.
Bonus Tip: Consider Divorce Mediation
Often, divorce mediation is less combative than court litigation. Here, you and your ex agree to work with a trained mediator – ideally one experienced in this area – who acts as a neutral third party to negotiate a mutual settlement agreement.
Divorce mediation can save you time and money, preserve your privacy, and level the playing field by allowing your ex to “save face” as there’s no winner or loser when you meditate (unlike in court).
What’s more, you and your ex don’t even have to be in the same room during mediation. This may be an excellent option if they present as a potential narcissist. Our services are 100 percent virtual. This not only gives you more convenience and flexibility; we’ve found that after divorce, distance can make discussions less heated and stressful!
For more information on online mediation services, contact Debra Whitson and her experienced mediation team today to learn more.
Debra Whitson has been practicing law for more than 20 years, delivering focused solutions guided by compassion and trust. For the first half of her legal career, Debra was a special victims prosecutor, pursuing justice for crime victims, particularly women and children. She was the first female Assistant District Attorney serving Essex County and is a recognized expert in the fields of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault. This passion for helping families led Debra to family law, and to pursue collaborative divorce and mediation.
Today, Debra works hands-on with her clients to learn their short-term objectives and long-range goals. Through this, she develops tailored options and explores how/if those options align with the client’s values, budget, risk tolerance, etc. She then co-produces strategies with her clients that will offer the best chance for advancing the client’s objectives/goals. Debra believes that there may be many paths to get you to where you want to be and advises clients to choose a path that aligns with their values. Through Mediated Online Solutions, she puts her passion for peaceful dispute resolution to work for couples who seek a dignified and self-directed way to separate, divorce, or co-parent. That same spirit guides Whitson&Tansey’s commitment to fighting for social justice and human rights by focusing on the firm’s practice on domestic violence, matrimonial, and family law.
Debra’s driving goal is to let her clients feel heard, cared for, and respected, and get as many people as possible to resolve conflicts in peaceful, respectful ways—in all spheres.
Awards: Debra is a two-time recipient of the Excellence in Domestic Violence Awareness andAdvocacy Award from the Essex County New York Multidisciplinary Task Force Against Domestic Violence, and she has been recognized for excellence in appellate advocacy from the Association of Government Attorneys in Capital Litigation.
In her spare time, Debra works with Zonta International to improve the lives of women and girls in her local community and around the globe. She loves to travel, good food and wine, tennis, and spending time with her husband and children enjoying all of the outdoor activities available in the Adirondack Mountains of New York State where they make their home
