“The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children.” –Jessica Lange
Losing My Identity
I won’t say that as a kid I dreamed of becoming a mom, but definitely by late high school and through college I grew more and more excited for the opportunity to raise children of my own. I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. For 7 years I had been told getting pregnant would be a challenge, but there I was in a small room with a nurse confirming my results. It was in that small room that my whole world shifted. I was no longer at the center of my world. How could I be? Everything from that moment forward would directly affect my baby—what I ate, what I drank, how much I slept, etc. I had always loved working with kids, I had actually just graduated Eastern Washington University with my teaching degree. I wasn’t scared of having a child, if anything I think I felt over confident. Regardless, I changed that day. I was adding “mother” to my title, and for a while that title trumped all others.
Eight months after getting the positive results I was receiving another round of positive results. The doctor informed that I had preeclampsia and that we needed to induce and get my son out. We were right at 37 weeks so I felt confident all would be well and I was excited to meet my son 3 weeks sooner than expected. After 47 hours of laboring, the last two pushing, becoming a mother was all of a sudden much harder than I had ever thought. I remember the nurse putting my son on my chest and just feeling so relieved and excited to see him but also so incredibly exhausted. Due to some complications my son was taken to the NICU where he stayed for 6 days. I thank God now that he didn’t have a longer stay there but boy in those few days my eyes were opened to the brutal weight of being a mom. My body physically felt like it had been through the wringer but I didn’t care, all I wanted was for my baby to be healthy and get the clear to come home.
Six months after having my son we were living states away from friends and family and adjusting to our new duty station. My husband and I had decided that me staying at home made the most sense. I gave up teaching, I didn’t have friends or family support due to moving and I was also still trying to figure out how to be a mom. I was lonely and felt like a failure. Looking back now I probably was suffering a level of Post Partum Depression (PPD) but I just kept telling myself that this was all part of becoming a mom—I had to figure it out. I distinctly remember one day I was chatting with other moms at my church and one of them asked me what I like to do for fun and I froze. I felt my mind racing trying to think of an answer but the only things I could think of that I did on a regular basis were all the mundane tasks of being a stay-at-home mom. Doing the dishes? Laundry? Going for a walk? Interacting with my son on the ground? None of those things sounded interesting…I didn’t sound interesting. It wasn’t too long after that conversation where I felt myself really spiral in trying to figure out who I was, I felt so completely lost. My sweet husband sat me down some time after that because he also saw me spiraling. He told me we could do whatever I needed to help pull me out of the darkness I was stuck in. I felt so lost and struggled to communicate the tug-o-war game I had going on inside my head. I had dreamed of becoming a mom for so long and I loved my son more than anything, but I didn’t understand why I felt so out of place. I missed having friends and I felt like I wasn’t contributing to our family with not working. But, every time I thought about going back to work, I immediately felt guilty about leaving my son with a stranger just so I could feel a little freedom. Plus, I loved being there for all his little milestones and sweet moments each day. So, what was I to do? I eventually decided I needed to find a hobby—something for me to do that wasn’t attached to being a mom. So, through some trial and error I finally landed on photography. Back in high school I took a photography course and I loved it, I wasn’t great at it, but I loved it. Back then I enjoyed shooting macro and all things nature, so that’s where I started. After teaching myself how to use the camera again I started going out and capturing random things outside. Once I felt confident with the camera I started using my son as a test subject and from there I kept working on my skills. Fast forward 6 years and photography is still one of my favorite hobbies. It allows me to escape and be creative, plus I have been able to meet some really great people from it. To this day I still feel guilty leaving my boys to go to a photo session sometimes. I feel guilty that I need that break. But I’ve also come to realize that I am a better mom because of those breaks. One of the best things that has come from it is that both my boys recognize when I’m headed out to do photos and they love looking at the galleries with me when I come back. Both have also started learning how to use my camera and it brings me joy to know they are learning more about me and my interests.
In a very short period of time I had eliminated my identity that I had been building and refining for 23 years. I became a mom. It’s one of the greatest blessings and craziest adventures I have ever been gifted. I love my boys so much and they have helped shape me, challenge me, and build me up to who I am today. But I know that a day will come when they don’t need me to take care of them. I can’t have my kids be my identity even though some days I still feel like that’s all I am. 6 years ago, if someone asked me who I was I would tell them, “I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband is in the Navy”. Today I’d confidently say, “I’m Shelly Osborne, CEO of home operations (AKA stay-at-home mom), mom to two crazy boys, a Navy wife, a teacher, a local family photographer, and for fun I love to run, hike, be outside, craft, and go on adventures.” I no longer freeze and search for an answer when someone asks me what I like to do for fun. As hard as it is and as guilty as I feel sometimes, I’ve learned that I have to put myself first. As the saying goes, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. I can’t teach my boys to be independent and unique if I rely on them to create my identity.
Celebrating All Mothers
In the month of May we celebrate mothers and whoever is reading this can probably pick out someone in their life whether it be their own mother, an extended relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or even themselves—we all know someone who has put their children at the center of their life and rarely do anything special for themselves. I just want to encourage any and all readers to find that mother out there and take her out to do something fun this year, something she loves to do that maybe is independent from her kids. I can almost guarantee that if she is a mom of littles she will at some point in time say, “I don’t know what to do with my hands” or even “I feel like I’m forgetting something” but it’s a break she needs. The best moms out there who love their kids through and through, will always struggle putting themselves before their kids and what they need is someone encouraging them to explore all of their hidden talents and hobbies.
