If you read my last article about keeping your independence during an overseas posting, it might come as a bit of a surprise that I don’t hate the ‘dependent’ label us military spouses are often given. Stay with me, I’ll explain!
First of all, I need to say that I totally understand why some military spouses and partners dislike the ‘dependent’ label. The word dependent means someone who relies on someone else, usually financially. Can we rely on our military partners? Rely on them to be around when we need them? Rely on their presence when planning big life events? Heck no! Saying that we are dependent on them seems strange for so many reasons.
As military spouses, we often spend a lot of time without our partners so to suggest that we are anything other than self-sufficient sounds counter-intuitive. Many military spouses, myself included, find themselves running their households single-handedly, fixing appliances that inevitably break during a deployment and being both parents for their kids. We can definitely be independent, often because we have no choice. But is that mutually exclusive with being ‘dependent’?
Even taking the most literal meaning of the word, many military spouses are not financially dependent on their other half either. Some spouses don’t have a paid job, although running the household is certainly work in itself! However, many are also doing that on top of a paid job, so labelling them as financially ‘dependent’ on their partners seems a little ridiculous.
For me personally, there are two main reasons why the ‘dependent’ label doesn’t bother me. The first is that I am financially dependent on my husband. When we met, I was working full-time and made enough to support myself. However, an overseas posting, a change in career and a choice to be at home for our kids has meant I don’t earn nearly enough to support us anymore. Does that story sound familiar?! I bring a little money in but I am certainly dependent on his salary to keep us afloat.
So I can’t really argue with being a ‘dependent’ in that respect. In any case, I don’t necessarily see dependence as a bad thing. I am dependent on him to earn a wage and I am dependent on him to catch spiders…the vacuum cleaner is a back up on that one when he’s not around! The thing is though, as a husband and wife, we’re a team. That leads me on to the second reason I don’t personally mind the ‘dependent’ label.
That reason is that it works both ways. He is dependent on me too. He relies on me to be the main carer for the kids, for instance. The norm is that I do school drop off/pick up and keep track of various school activities and dress up days. Any parent will know there is a lot to keep track of! He relies on me to organise birthday/Christmas presents for friends and family and generally keep things running smoothly around the house.
If military spouses weren’t doing all of these things to hold down the fort, would our partners be able to focus on their important job of serving their country?! There is little doubt that our partners are reliant on us.
So if dependency is mutual, and ours is, then I don’t mind so much. As a team we have strengths and weaknesses that complement each other. We’ve just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary so we must be doing something right.
The other reason that I don’t object too much to the ‘dependent’ label is that I think it is possible to be IN-dependent at the same time. My independence is centred in my own goals, career, friends and, of course, my ability to get on with life independently of my husband. I don’t feel that being dependent on him in some ways means that I have to give up the ‘independent’ label.
So here I am, an independent woman happily embracing the ‘dependent’ label so often given to us by the military. I’d love to know if you agree or if the label is one you have grown to despise.
I’m pretty relaxed about ‘dependent’, but don’t get me started on ‘trailing spouse’…!
