We’ve all been there. Three months out. Awaiting orders. Or by some miracle on high, you actually have orders in hand. But honestly, it begins even before that.
The slow disconnect. The checking-out. The withdrawing from friends.
What is this pervasive condition that affects nearly all of us every 2-3 years as we anticipate moving? I call it the PCS Pull Away.
Recently, a very involved friend just stopped showing up to things. Then she pulled her kids out of activities they loved. When I asked her about it, she said flatly, “we’re moving soon.” I countered, “yeah, in like four months!” But she was past the point of being convinced. Her heart had already moved on to her next duty station, leaving us, the ones that still wanted to spend time with her and her family, out to dry.
It’s important for me to point out that I don’t believe anyone maliciously embraces the PCS Pull Away. Nonetheless, it still happens. If you fear you may be susceptible to this condition, here are some ways to prevent it from happening to you:
- Grieve. Yep. I mean the whole grieving process. Even though you may have only been at a duty station for a “short” time, that doesn’t mean you didn’t plant roots, form friendships, or invest in your community. And when you have to leave that, it hurts. Ripping up those roots doesn’t feel good. And what do we do when we know something is going to hurt? We tend to avoid it. But avoiding the pain doesn’t make it magically go away. In fact, it can lead to more problems later if we don’t feel those feelings now. So give yourself the time and space to be angry! Yes, angry. Maybe you really don’t want to move (again). Maybe you really loved it here and you’re pissed that you have to leave some amazing people. Feel that anger. But as I tell my clients, anger is a secondary emotion. That means there’s something (another emotion) underneath that. And usually that emotion is sadness or fear. So feel those too. And continue to work through the other emotions until you get to acceptance. Just because you reach that “final” stage, doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t cycle back through the other stages of grief. Because you likely will. You’re human after all.
- Decide. Decide how you want to spend your last few months at your current duty station. Maybe you want absolutely nothing to change. So continue on as usual! Maybe you want to pull your kiddos out of school and travel around! Pack snacks. Lots of them. Maybe you want something else. Whatever it is, devise a game plan with your partner and see if and how you can make that happen.
- Be flexible. As if you didn’t already have this motto tattooed on your brain. As time comes closer to PCSing, well laid plans may change. In fact, they probably will. So be sure to have a big old buffer space in those plans.
- Self-awareness. If you know you have a tendency to succumb to the PCS Pull Away and you don’t want that to happen, talk to your partner or friends about keeping you accountable. But that requires self-awareness on your part. When you start to feel that urge to withdraw, identify it. Share it with your friends. When you feel the need to stop going to things that once brought you so much joy, pay attention and ask yourself, do I really want this to end now? Or can I keep doing this a little bit longer? You may think, “well what does it matter if I stop doing it now or the week before I go? It’s inevitable to end anyways.” You’re right, it is. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to enjoy it as long as you possibly can. You may think it will hurt less if you end it now, but pain is pain, regardless of when it comes.
- Transition well. Military spouses are some of the most resourceful and involved individuals I know. And when they leave a post, they often leave big shoes to fill. Set your predecessors up for success by being present for handoffs. It can be easy to think, “that decision won’t affect me or my kids” and peace out. Have integrity. Persevere. Finish strong, friend.
- Closure. For the love of all that is good, do not bounce without saying goodbye. No one loves a goodbye. No one loves ugly crying. But we still need to do them. Just like going to the dentist. No one loves the sound of that drill (or whatever torture device they use to clean our pearly whites). But we do it because we know it’s good for us. Closure works the same way. Embrace the awfulness of it. Embrace the discomfort. Make it awkward. Tell your friends you love them and are going to miss them like crazy. And remember what a gift it is to have people you love that you get to say goodbye to.
I wish none of us had to endure the PCS Pull Away. But goodbyes and transitions are part of the military life we lead. You don’t have to suffer in silence. There are so many of us willing to stand with you as you battle this condition. Always remember you are such a valued member of this community.
